The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. --George Costanza, "Seinfeld"
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Executing Order 66
11:45am CDT, 4 Aug 2008 (Permalink)
It took a few weeks longer than I'd originally hoped, but my personal Jedi purge is finally happening. I've currently got 25 eBay auctions running. I've still got a few large items (including the massive Royal Starship) to photograph and weigh, but everything else is on the block.
The Emperor had an army of clones to execute Order 66, but for my own sale, it's just me. (That may be because I'm also purging my Clones!) And it took forever to sort the toys into lots, correctly identify everything, and dig through literally hundreds of guns and other accessories and match them as best I could to their respective figures. That last part was most daunting, as many of their weapons look very, very similar.
But at last the de-clone-ification is underway, and to my utter surprise, more than half of the auctions already have bids!
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How To Make Ten Million Dollars In One Weekend (A Play In One Act)
09:33pm CDT, 28 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
Setting: A movie studio executive's office.
Executive #1: I've got an idea! Let's make a feature film version of The X-Files!
Executive #2: The X-Files? Wasn't that canceled?
Executive #3: Six years ago.
Executive #2: And hasn't it been about nine years since anyone cared about it?
Executive #3: Yep.
Executive #2: Plus, didn't we already make that movie?
Executive #1: Sure, but this one will be completely different!
Executives #2 and #3: How so?
Executive #1: Well, remember all that stuff about aliens?
Executive #2: You mean the central premise of the TV show and the first movie.
Executive #1: Yes. But, come on, everyone knows that "mythology" didn't make any fucking sense in the end. And we want to make this flick accessible to a general audience.
Executive #3: The people who weren't interested in The X-Files during its nine-year TV run.
Executive #1: Of course! Because nothing gets people to plunk down eight bucks for a movie ticket like a tie-in to a long-dead show that they never watched when it was free.
Executive #2: Hey, didn't the series end on something of a cliffhanger?
Executive #3: I think that the aliens were going to destroy the world in 2012...or something. I lost track, or possibly fell asleep.
Executive #1: Erm...yes, but alien invasion films are expensive and shit.
Executive #2: Plus, that's just so Spielberg.
Executive #1: Right, so we're going to completely fail to follow up that dangling end of the world plot line and make one of those "monster of the week" episodes that the fans liked so much.
Executive #2: The fans that we're not pitching this toward.
Executive #3: Oh, I remember those stories: the flukeman, the squeezy-guy, the killer cockroaches. Those were cool!
Executive #2: So, it's gonna be about the flukeman?
Executive #1: No, no, nothing like that. Instead, we'll make it more like one of the other episodes. You know, the ones that were pretty much like every generic horror film that's come out in the last six years.
Executive #2: Umm...
Executive #1: Plus, we'll market the film in such a vague manner that no one will have any idea what it's about. Except that it features Mulder and Scully.
Executive #3: Those two characters that appeared in the TV show that the people we're trying to attract didn't watch.
Executive #1: Okay, I sense that you're not really getting it. How about this? We end the film with Mulder and Scully...
Executive #2: The people that the summer movie audience doesn't care about...
Executive #1: ...and they wave at the camera!
Executive #3: Wait! Doesn't that pretty much fly in the face of the show's dark, pessimistic mien?
Executive #1: Mien? Isn't that a pretentious word for a movie executive?
Executive #3: Sorry.
Executive #2: Getting back to that "waving" thing, wouldn't it also be unbearably cheesy?
Executive #1: Yes...but...we'll put Scully in a bikini!
Executives #2 and #3: Brilliant! We're sold!
Executive #3: So, when should we release it?
Executive #1: I was thinking that the best time would be the weekend immediately after the premiere of The Dark Knight.
Executive #2: You mean, the summer's most anticipated geek fest?
Executive #3: Starring America's favorite recently-deceased actor in an acclaimed, head-turning performance?
Executive #1: That's the one!
Executives #2 and #3: Genius!
End Scene.
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Forty-Four
08:53pm CDT, 27 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
Today I turned forty-four, which is least fifteen too many. Despite that, it's been a good day. We borrowed our niece and nephew for the weekend, and have spent much of the time down in the basement with the Wii.
Right now, Vic and Kelly (the niece) are in the other room playing Wii Sports Baseball. One of the things I love about the game is the way it randomly fills out the team rosters with whatever Miis happen to be stored on the system. So it is that the players include our friends Dave L., Rob, Chris and Christine, plus such luminaries as Mr. T, Weird Al, Mr. Spock, Einstein and Adolf Hitler. In my just-completed match against David (the nephew), Adolf knocked one of the park. That's Hitler for you!
My birthday turned out to have an unintentional Lego Indiana Jones theme, in that Vic bought me both the Wii video game and one of the building sets: the temple from the first few minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Cool!
And there were brownies. Yay!
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More Movies
09:07pm CDT, 20 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
This was the weekend that I was determined to get caught up on this summer's flicks. In addition to the aforementioned Dark Knight, I also took in Hellboy II and WALL*E.
Vic and I went to Hellboy II on Friday night, when everyone (and I mean everyone, I think the whole county was there) was seeing Batman. The multiplex literally canceled all of the evening screenings at one of the two auditoriums slated for Hellboy to handle Bat-overflow. Poor Hellboy: number one last week, now a forgotten freak. Someone at Universal should have their head examined for opening it a week before Batmania.
I enjoyed Hellboy II quite a bit, though it didn't reach my too-high expectations. I love the breezy humor of the Hellboy films, and I appreciate that this version of the character is still a part of the B.P.R.D. team. (Unlike Mike Mignola's comics series, which for years has had Hellboy on a solo vision quest.)
I was initially intrigued by the premise of the film, in which the faerie world intended to rise up against modern humanity, but I was disappointed that the rebellion was really just one pissed-off elf. In general, I found the villain of the piece uninteresting.
However, the imagination on display was enthralling. I loved the humongous plant elemental, the chattering tooth fairies and the many strange denizens of the Troll Market. I also got a kick out of the many background details, such as the episode of Night Gallery on Hellboy's TV and the inclusion of one of the aliens from Lovecraft's "At the Mountains of Madness," which is said to be one of director Guillermo del Toro's dream film projects.
I do hope that there will be a Hellboy III, though I'm concerned that the Batman-fueled audience drop-off may discourage that. I like this cast, and I want to see them pay off the still-percolating idea that Hellboy himself is destined to be the harbinger of the Apocalypse.
Today we went to see WALL*E. Now, normally I don't like to comment on people that I know personally in this blog, but I feel that I must make an exception. Recently, one of my friends (who shall remain nameless, but knows who he is) told me that not only didn't he enjoy WALL*E, but that he was bored by it. Now, I mean this with all due respect, but...
You, sir, are a crack-smoking monkey. (I still love ya, man.)
Rarely do I reach the end of a movie and feel the desire to stand up and applaud, but this was such a case. I sincerely believe this is Pixar's greatest effort to date. It's sweet, sad, uplifting and hilarious. It takes its liabilities--little dialogue, mechanical characters and a garbage-choked future--and turns them into huge advantages.
WALL*E himself is a triumph of wringing expression and personality out of often subtle movement. But even more impressive is the "acting ability" of his lady love EVE, who has less of a face and even fewer moving parts. And who knew one could make such a winning character out of a mute, unnamed cockroach?
The Pixar animators have terrific comic timing, as they prove in the short that precedes WALL*E. Presto is an excellent throwback to the physics ballet of vintage Warner Bros. cartoons, with its central conceit--a pair of linked magical hats--played out in endless permutations. WALL*E follows with many fun sight gags of its own.
The main feature is something of a Lorax for the new millennium, but it takes Dr. Seuss' storyline a step further by having its characters actually plant the seed and reclaim the Earth. And while its eco-friendly message may not be anything new, it's got a second moral up its sleeve: that you can accomplish miracles if you just get off your dead, fat ass. I think it's telling that the fate of the human race ultimately depends on someone pushing a button marked "manual."
One of the many things I loved about WALL*E is the way that its title character touches everyone he meets. His quirky friendliness literally causes others to consider new perspectives and try new things, from something as simple as waving goodbye to the rebellious act of willfully jumping off one's assigned path.
Like many movie summers, this one often makes up in volume what it lacks in substance, so it's nice when something like WALL*E comes along as a good example of the latter.
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Joker, Joker, Joker
08:12pm CDT, 20 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
Folks are all in a lather over The Dark Knight. Over on the Invincible Super-Blog, comics blogger extraordinaire Chris Sims sums it up with a two-word review: "Fucking Awesome." I don't intend to dispute that, but I do take issue with the sentiment expressed by one of those who commented on his post:
But Ledger is the joker (sic). Not the most convincing joker, not the definitive joker, not even the best joker. He just simply is the joker.
No, this is the Joker.
And this is the Joker.
And this is most certainly the Joker.
I don't know what this is...
...but it's not the Joker.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I am guilty of the sin of hypocrisy, as I have regularly railed against those who would whine that Spider-Man shouldn't have organic webshooters or that Bumblebee should be a Volkswagen, yet I would myself get my panties in a bunch about Heath Ledger not being a legitimate Joker. I'm also guilty of pretending to be a Catholic, but hear me out anyway.
The trademark of the Joker isn't his white skin, green hair or poor dress sense, but his rictus grin. His look was originally based on Conrad Veidt's makeup in the silent film The Man Who Laughs. Like Veidt's character, the Joker's mouth is unnaturally wide and permanently frozen in a parody of amusement. And his preferred method of murder is a lethal toxin that draws up the lips in a similar mocking grimace.
So, right off the bat I've got a problem with Ledger's Joker, whose smile is merely suggested by facial scarring and a wide smear of red makeup, and who never once leaves his victims laughing to death. I could accept it as a valid alternate-universe interpretation of the character--the film equivalent of one of DC Comics' Elseworlds books--but the real deal?
The Joker, as portrayed in The Dark Knight, is supposed to be an avatar of anarchy. Yet his plans are intricate and meticulous; he spends most of the film four steps ahead of everyone. His actions aren't random or mercurial, they're thought through and designed to make a point. Since when does The Joker have a point?
Robbing banks and knifing people is beneath him. This is a character who once attempted to copyright fish. The Joker is motivated by irrationality and a sick sense of humor. By contrast, the villain seen in The Dark Knight rarely goes for a laugh. (Admittedly, the "faulty detonator" scene was pretty funny, and the flaming fire truck was a nice visual gag. But those were exceptions.)
That's not to say that the film is bad. Honestly, it's got an awful lot going for it, including a well-crafted plot that if anything is perhaps a bit overdeveloped. Its themes are convincingly followed through. The pacing of individual scenes is excellent, even though the overall movie is too long. (Two-Face enters the story very late. I would've cut the entire subplot about the investigator who attempts to reveal Batman's identity, which is never fully resolved. It's also redundant, as the Joker's attempt to coerce ordinary people to become murderers is repeated more effectively later on.)
The Dark Knight does an awful lot right, including Two-Face's reliance on random chance and the curious relationship between Batman and the Joker, eternally locked in combat yet each unwilling to kill the other. Contrast to Tim Burton's film, which had Bats launching air-to-ground missiles at the Joker's head.
It also had several punch-the-air moments, and an uplifting, inspirational scene that was welcome if oddly out-of-place in what was otherwise an unrelenting orgy of bullets to the head. (I mean, Jesus, wasn't there any better plan for luring the Joker into the open than running a gauntlet that saw dozens of cops butchered?)
But all this talk of an Oscar for Heath Ledger? Really? He was good enough, I guess, but I don't see what's so spectacular about the performance. Most of the time, I thought he was channeling Christian Slater.
Must be the laughing gas.
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You're Watching The Watchmen
08:11am CDT, 18 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
The trailer for the upcoming Watchmen movie went online today. While I'm sure that rabid fanboys (not to mention Alan Moore) are preparing to stab it with their steely knives, I gotta say that it looks right. Watchmen is a story that I thought could never be filmed, but damned if they aren't giving it what appears to be a pretty good try.
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More Horribleness
12:49pm CDT, 17 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
Don't forget: part two of Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog debuted today. Neil Patrick Harris (who just received another well-deserved Emmy nomination for playing Barney on How I Met Your Mother) is terrific in this, as Dr. Horrible's unrequited love for the girl at the laundromat leads him toward a final (fatal?) confrontation with his nemesis Captain Hammer. ("The hammer is my penis.") I'm really looking forward to the throw-down in act three this Saturday!
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Exterminating The Competition
11:35am CDT, 16 Jul 2008 (Permalink)
With 10.5 million viewers, the season finale of Doctor Who was the most-watched program on British TV for the week, according to the Doctor Who News Page. It came in 1.5 million viewers ahead of the number two show (Wimbledon coverage) and even crushed the perennially popular nighttime soaps. It's apparently the first time in its 45-year history that it has topped the ratings.
Sadly, it doesn't work that way over here...
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personal web log of David Thiel, Champaign, Illinois.
