Hi! Thanks for coming by my new gaming store, The Dead Parrot. Get it? Come on in, let me show you around!
Now, first thing we’ll have to do is get you matching the dress code. You know how many fancy restaurants won’t let you in without a coat and tie? The Dead Parrot insists its patrons wear black t-shirts with sayings on them about how the wearer is evil, insane, or both. For most gamers, this will not be a problem. We just have standards to maintain.
You know how in many game stores you can’t tell the staff from the customers? Not here! You’ll notice all of the staff are professionally wearing their official Dead Parrot trenchcoats to distinguish them from all the other folks in trenchcoats!
Ah, you’re wondering what those strange devices on the ceiling are. You’ve discovered the sound dampening system! The entire space is fitted with a revolutionary system that automatically reduces gamers’ voices to a normal volume. Without this system, the entire store would be a cacophony of noise that would be unbearable. It confuses many of our patrons at first; they think everyone’s whispering!
You see that door over there? That’s not the restroom, that’s the Gamer Story Booth. Are you dying to tell someone about how your third level rogue defeated those two ettins? Simply go into the Gamer Story Booth, where an employee is paid to listen to your tale and will actually simulate interest in it (not that that really matters, of course.)
“I’d like an argument, please!”
Ho ho, this will entertain! Someone dropped a dollar in the tip jar, which means the employees have to recite a Monty Python sketch! Sometimes they do a filksong instead, but usually it’s a classic bit of comedy! Feel free to join in!
Oh, watch your head! That’s the Roll of Wrath. Did a big game company totally manhandle your favorite game? Write your complaint on the roll for that company and vent your anger! When each roll fills up, we mail it to the company and hang out a fresh one!
Hey, check this out! This machine dispenses lima beans covered in a hard shell of black pepper. Now, you might think that sounds foul, but they eat ‘em in Japan, so as a result, I have to refill the machine about twice a day! Two beans for a quarter! Mmm…Japalicious!
Ah, now, you see this young lady that just walked in? She’s a ringer; she works for us. Her job is to come into the store and have breasts. What this does is help make the store into a “safe space” for our real female customers! No longer will they be the only carriers of double-X chromosomes in the shop, subject to the oglings of all the males in the store. Our helpful ringers will share the burden with them and make a female presence more commonplace in general!
Gosh, I don’t know what to show you next! There are extra-wide aisles to accommodate our average patron size! Footprint spaces on the floor to remind our customers of what a normal personal space distance is! A dice degausser to fix and demagnetize errant dice! Atomizers that constantly spray a gentle aroma of Carta Mundi “new card smell” into the air to mask, er, other scents! No expense has been spared to make this the ultimate gamers’ emporium!
Oh, what products do we carry? Same ones you can buy online for much cheaper. The Dead Parrot’s selling point is SERVICE.
