In a world…of infinite possibilities…Vin Diesel is…

SICK OF PLAYING FANTASY RPGS

(trailer scene 1)

Gary Sinise: “…the game, gentlemen, is Shadowrun”

Vin Diesel: “Dammit, Stockman, you said science fiction! You sold us out!”

Sinise: “It is! Look, there’s computers and stuff!”

Diesel (throws aside table, holds pencil to Sinise’s throat): “I…SAID…NO…ELVES”

(trailer scene 2)

Sinise: Only one thing is standing in the way of this Forgotten Realms campaign. Dirk Hammersteel. He’s a problem that must be eliminated.

Alan Rickman: Start chargen, my friends. By the time you’ve picked feats, Hammersteel will not be a problem.

(trailer scene 3)

Diesel: Everyone got a character for my Steampunk game?

Giovanni Ribisi: My guy’s a dwarf with a magic hammer!

Diesel (eyes narrow): Not at MY table, Henson. NOT ON MY WATCH! (shoots him)

One man must overcome the prejudices of others to see his dream realized. And anyone in his way needs to…

ROLL FOR INITIATIVE

Coming Summer 2006.

Again, work business means no real blogging…

• Hey! I’m a published author! Well, sort of. Longtime readers may remember the entry I Don’t Want to Cast ‘Magic Missile’ where I whined about the difficulty of NOT playing a fantasy RPG. Recently I rewrote that article into something a little more constructive and submitted it to Knights of the Dinner Table comic/magazine. I hadn’t heard anything back and had assumed they weren’t interested in it, but it turns out it’s in issue #101! And not only did they print it, but there’s a one-panel strip commenting on it! What’s especially cool is that those articles are paid, a nickel a word. So check me out!

• This weekend Sarah and CJ came in for a visit and other than the tragic incident of the cat on Parker Street, we had a nice time. On Sunday morning we went up to the North Hadley Sugar Shack for some homemade maple syrup and pancakes/waffles. Man o man that’s good stuff. We’re hoping to see more of them this summer and join them on one of their watercraft adventures.

• I keep meaning to do a review of Perdido Street Station by China Mieville, which I finally finished, but now that Anna is reading it, I’ll hold off until she’s done.

• I haven’t blogged anything about the Terri Schiavo situation, largely because the stupidity, hypocrisy, and callousness of the people involved always ma– *FROTH SPUTTER FOAM*. There, you see? But thankfully Molly Ivins has written an excellent editorial on the subject.

• I’m still looking for suggestions on my comics purchases.

• I may regret noting this, but since I work from home, I stay in touch with my co-workers via AOL Instant Messenger, so I’m on AIM all day long. I’m not “Legomancer” on there…well, I was, but I forgot the password…and I’m set up so that you can’t contact me unless you’re on my buddy list. If you want to be on that list, send me an email. Since I’m working, though, please don’t be offended if I don’t reply to either an email request or an instant message.

• It’s been raining non-stop here for the past 24 hours, which normally would be miserable, but…it’s RAIN! Not SNOW! Hooray!

All right, back to the coal mine for another day.

Far too busy at work today for a real blog entry, but I wanted to share this:
Force Skeptics

Ladies and Gentlemen, you have been bamboozled. The Force is a fiction that exists only in the minds of deluded Jedi practitioners. The so-called “Jedi Powers” are nothing more than cheap stage-magic tricks that anyone can learn and which violate no known laws of physics. The Masters of the Jedi Order are charlatans, preying upon your gullibility and demanding your blind respect in return.

It’s a pretty funny piece to me, as both a Star Wars fan and a Skeptic. However, there’s one bit I want to claim Prior Art on! The bit about Yoda raising the X-Wing is something I used to riff on. Specifically, I imagined Luke trying to explain to the others how amazing Yoda was:

Han: So he amazed you by making your spaceship fly?

Luke: No, not fly, it floated!

Han: Oh, floated? Like a landspeeder? Did it float like that?

Luke: No, I mean–

Leia: Was it floating like the interrogation droid that tortured me?

Luke: No! You don’t understand, it–

Han: Did it float like the carbonite holder did? Was it like that? How exactly did he make the flying thing fly?

Luke: SHUT UP! (cries)

I wasn’t halfway through this month’s Previews before I realized I had a problem. Way too many book I’m interested in. My budget is only so big, and my desire is even bigger. What to do? Simple: I will call out to comics fans far and wee to help me decide.

Here are the items I have already picked out that exceed my budget by 58.17%:

• Concrete Vol 1: Depths (Dark Horse)
• Astro City: The Dark Age #1 (DC)
• Tom Strong #33 (DC)
• Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere #1 (DC)
• Sandman: Endless Nights TPB (DC)
• Neotopia Pocket Manga v4 (Antarctic)
• Shaolin Cowboy #4 (Burlyman)
• Action Philosophers All Sex Special #1 (Evil Twin)
• Heartbreakers Meet Boilerplate (IDW)
• Knights of the Dinner Table #104 (Kenzer)
• Ice Haven GN (Pantheon)
• Beck vol 1 (Tokyopop)
• The Plot (W. W. Norton)
• Fortean Times #198 (FT)
• Fortean Times #199 (FT)
• d20 Apocalypse (WOTC)

In addition to those items, there are a few others that call to me:

Valerian Volume 1: the solicitation for this says it was the inspiration for the cult sci-fi film The Fifth Element. Now, I absolutely hated the cult sci-fi film The Fifth Element. But I can’t deny that the look of the movie was cool, and I can’t deny that most movies inspired by a comic are usually far worse than the actual comic. They make it sound like this comic too is a classic. If you’ve read it, is it worth getting? Is it typical European Sci-Fi Heavy Metal/Humanoids fare?

The Ballad of Sleeping Beauty: I got the first issue of this, the Free Comic Books Day issue, and thought it was fine, but didn’t continue to pick it up. Now it’s collected. But jeez, 22 bucks? For that money it better make my face implode. Will it?

So comment me a comment. What should stay and what should go? What have I callously or mistakenly overlooked? (Note that Hellboy, Albion, and Otherworld are things I’m planning on buying in trades.) The $18 Sandman book is sitting there with a big target on it for culling, but who knows, I like Sandman. Is it, as they say, All That? Heartbreakers Meet Boilerplate is there for my love of the steampunk; should it not be? To you, comics readers, I open my mind and, indirectly, my wallet. Help me decide what deserves my dollars. I’m counting on you!

Haven’t talked about RPGs here in a while, though my group and I are still playing them. We did some Shadowrun for a bit (you know, I can’t remember if Bobby Soho survived the last adventure or not.)

After that, TJ had a class that was interfering with his ability to GM as regularly, so we’re taking turns. I started with a Star Wars d20 three-part adventure called ‘Discovery at Depoona’ which I had plotted out a while back. I’ve never played SWd20 for real before (except for this, which doesn’t count) so I knew there’d be something of a learning curve.

But man, I was simply not prepared for the wonkiness of the system. I know there are people out there running regular SWd20 campaigns, and god bless ‘em. They’re better men than I am. I found the system to be horribly cobbled together, even the revised rules. Encounters are almost impossible to balance, since weapons are so powerful. One of the players bought a droid which, as an NPC, had skills way beyond those of the PCs. They regularly questioned why it needed them around. I thought I avoided the Jedi problem by having the adventure set during the Rebellion, so I didn’t have to worry about one character just dominating everything, but this droid shamed everyone. Most games that involve firearms also have some kind of mechanic built in for active dodging of bullets or lasers, but not this one. You just dive for cover and hope for the best.

The players say they had a good time for chapters one and two, but I found it so disappointing I just couldn’t motivate myself to grind out the third chapter, so I just aborted the thing. I think next Matt is planning some Marvel Superheroes for us. Brett and Grant also have something in the works.

For my other RPG stuff, Ground Zero is still at a halt. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I swear to god I will finish this someday. I will. I promise. But not today. Or tomorrow. And I doubt the next day.

My game book buying has slowed down as well. I haven’t bought any of WOTC’s “Complete” books, or its environment books, or any of that stuff. I’m just not in an RPG “zone” at the moment. I will be again eventually, though.

One book I DID buy was d20 Past. When I saw it offered in Previews I thought, ‘Ooh, only twenty bucks! At last WOTC is getting the message and offering its stuff cheaper!” I happily put in my order, and it came in this week. Now I know why it’s $20. It’s more like d20 Past Magazine. Softcover, 88 pages. Not quite a ripoff, since it does seem chock-full of useful stuff, but still woulda been more palatable at $5 cheaper.

So just as I’m grousing about d20 Past, I open up the new Previews and what do I see? Another similar offering. $20, probably softcover and 88 pages. And just as I’m thinking “Oh no, fool me once, WOTC…” I look at the title.

d20 Apocalypse

CURSE YOU, WIZARDS! A POX ON YOUR HOUSE! HOW DARE YOU EXPLOIT MY SECRET WEAKNESS?

There’s a reason comics fans gush about Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons. It truly is a masterpiece of the medium. It changed the landscape of superhero comics forever. And it’s a great story.

For the 20th anniversary of the book, there’s a new special edition coming out called Absolute Watchmen which will not only polish it up a little, but will offer a plethora of bonus material that most readers have never seen before. It looks like a great package, and a lot of fans are looking forward to it eagerly.

It’s also gonna run $100.

There’s a saying that’s been going around in the comics blogosphere: “Only bad comics cost too much.” Well, that’s partly true. But let’s be realistic. I loved Scott Pilgrim, but if the second volume were to be offered at $50, I’d pass. As much as I enjoy Street Angel, the upcoming trade paperback, with all its extras, doesn’t tempt me enough to spend money on comics I already, for the most part, own.

Thus it is with Absolute Watchmen. I’d love to have this. It really does seem like an excellent package for a book that deserves it. But I already have a Watchmen TPB. It’s not as fancy and doesn’t have the extras, but nor will it cost me $100.

For this comics fan, and for most, I’d assume, $100 is a lot of money. For the record, over on Fanboy Rampage people have commented that only fools will pay $100 for it. Search around and you’re bound to find it for as low as $75. Well, $75 is also a lot of money to me for a comic I already own.

And for a comic in general. I love comics, and I know that here in America, the glory of capitalism is that you can pay as much as you want for anything. Won’t be satisfied unless your napkin rings cost $500 apiece? Someone will be happy to sell you some at that price. There’s a limit, though. If I may be a bleeding heart for a moment, buying a book, even a great one, for $75 verges on distasteful to me. There’s something quite off-putting about it.

I bought Palomar and Locas, the two slabs of collected Love and Rockets for $60 total, feeling that was a good deal for two huge books I hadn’t read before and would likely read again. As tempting as Absolute Watchmen is, and as great a product as it might be, there’s just no way I can drop $100, or even $75 on it. I’ll have to stick with my battered trade, in softcover and without the additional material, which still amuses and amazes after twenty years.

When I was a wee tot, I knew two things about Jewish people. First, they rejected Jesus as the Messiah of prophecy because they were expecting some kind of military hero who would drive out their enemies and return them to glory instead of some long-haired hippy liberal talking all this crap about loving your neighbors. Second, in anticipation of this actual Messiah, the Jewish calendar went backwards, and when it reached zero, they believed the True Messiah would come.

Obviously, I didn’t know any actual Jewish people at the time who’d set me straight about all this. I learned this from Catholics, who are among the last people who should be talking about other religions’ wacky beliefs. I wasn’t told anything flat-out anti-semitic, just weirdo trivia like the above. Now that I’ve spoken with actual Jewish people, I know that the two beliefs above are not quite true and that they all have six toes on each foot and control the world.

But I’m actually here to talk about Christians. Evangelical Christians, to be exact. It occurred to me the other day that although the actual Jews aren’t much like the pseudo-Jews of my youth, Evangelical Christians are exactly like them. It’s strange, but true.

You’re saying now, “But but Dave, what about all the Jesus?” Yes, but Jesus to Evangelical Christians (ECs) is like a comic book made into a movie. He’s got the same name and his origin is similar, but he doesn’t behave at all the way he does in the book. He’s more action-packed, violent, and has all kinds of cool gadgets. He seems to have a completely different agenda than what you remember.

Like the pseudo-Jews, ECs don’t seem happy with hippy Jesus. They too seem to want someone who’s going to smite their enemies and praise their devotion. So instead, they focus more attention on the Old Testament. Leviticus is more popular than ever, and you can now get a car magnet to show your support for the Ten Commandments. There isn’t a magnet I can find that says “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” The Old Testament God, unlike wimpy Jesus, hates gays, is incredibly worried about peoples’ sex lives, and doesn’t have a problem smitin’ people what need smitin’. That’s the God the ECs want. They want an old-fashioned Warrior God of Vengeance. “Turn the other cheek?” What the hell are they supposed to do with that?

Likewise, their interest in the New Testament seems limited to two parts: Paul and Revelation. Paul, you see, translates hippy Jesus into smitin’ Jesus for the faithful. He’s kind of upset Jesus didn’t hate enough people, so he helps out there. And Revelation is the Apocalypse for Dummies that the ECs can’t get enough of. There’s a lot about sinning there as well. Both sections feature the anger and special effects missing from the Gospels. (Though ECs LOVE the Passion. They might not care much for Jesus’ teachings, but they sure do enjoy having him die.)

So I’m thinking that it’s not really the Second Coming these people are looking for. They really are, like my pseudo-Jews, awaiting the First Coming. The Jesus that’s “coming back” doesn’t seem like the original Jesus at all. The doctrine of “faith vs. works,” in which all the good deeds in the world won’t get you into Heaven and all the bad deeds in the world won’t get you into Hell so long as you accept Jesus into your heart is basically a huge middle finger to all of Jesus’ actual teachings. The Jesus they’re expecting to come back is basically going to say that he was just kidding about all that stuff and really just wants to know who you’ve been sleeping with.

I wonder if this subtext will ever rise up and become the text. It really seems to me that Evangelical Christianity is only a hair’s-breadth from slipping the bounds of “Christianity” and becoming a new Abrahamic religion.

08:44:24 [legomancer] ok so I downloaded this D&D parody song¹ that someone mentioned on a blog somewhere². said that gamers don’t like it because “they don’t have a sense of humor”

08:44:34 [legomancer] now, that statement isn’t untrue

08:44:58 [shasticon] isn’t it not?

08:45:11 [legomancer] but it also implies that the song’s funny. which it is. it’s hilarious because you see, people who play D&D are all virgins!

08:45:40 [legomancer] RFOFROFLROFRFLRFLFRORFLFRORLRFFRFRORFLO!!! I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE! OMG IT’S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TRUE! ROOFLES!

08:46:00 [legomancer] AND IT’S EVEN TRUER AND FUNNIER THE FOURTH AND FIFTH TIME IN THE SONG!

08:48:28 [lanfaedhe] OMG OMG VIRGINS? HAHAHAHAHA

08:48:31 [lanfaedhe] man.

08:48:43 [lanfaedhe] that got a lot less funny when I got out of high school

08:50:54 [legomancer] yeah, also once I, like, got laid

08:51:51 [lanfaedhe] snicker

08:52:00 [legomancer] and jesus, dude, it’s not like there’s not a MILLION things to mock gamers about.

08:57:03 [shasticon] Best thread subject ever: “Can a light saber cut through adamantium? Discuss”

08:57:26 [lanfaedhe] see, there’s one of the MILLION mockable things

…

09:25:36 [shasticon] Hrm. Upon hitting that WW page, I spotted the name “DragonMech.”

09:25:42 [shasticon] Please please tell me that’s a joke.

09:26:01 [shasticon] Sigh. Nope. http://www.goodman-games.com/dragonmech.php

09:26:29 [legomancer] nod shas, someone noticed that steampunk games didn’t have any elves in them, so that’s been fixed

09:27:07 [shasticon] It’s like there’s somebody out there who’s reading my Jaxgamer³ posts and creating games just for me to not play.

09:33:31 [legomancer] I’m creating a game called Elfy Elferston in which the players are all half-elves. Chargen consists of deciding if your other half is dragon, faerie, demon, or raccoon

09:34:10 [legomancer] then you try and imagine what sex with a woman might be like ROFLRORLFRFORFOLRFFROL

———

Short version: Can we all quit it with the “geeks can’t get laid” joke and instead wonder why they don’t build the rest of the plane like the black box?

———

¹ “Dungeons and Dragons” by Stephen Lynch

² Postmodern Barney, a fine blog that I’m not intending to disparage here, even though I think he doesn’t like me much.

³ http://www.jaxgamer.org